I used to believe life is only as busy as you let it be. For a long time I said no to almost everything, kept things small and quiet, put my family first, and got the household running the way it needed to run. It kept me from feeling buried. It also meant my business barely moved. Eventually, the slow progress frustrated me enough that I started saying yes to things instead. Not all at once, not instantly, but one thing led to another, and eventually I was consistently busy in a way I hadn't been before. Even then, I always protected a bit of wind-down time at the end of the day — a show to watch, something just for me.

Right now, none of that theory is holding up, because I'm in waiting mode. Fuzz needs surgery, and until we hear back from the vet about whether he's cleared for it, my life has rearranged itself around him without asking my permission first. You need a cuddle? Yes. Food? Yes. A treat? Yes. You want me to sing to you? Yes, obviously. If he meows, I'm there.
It's also exhausting in a way that's hard to explain to someone who hasn't been in it. My brain doesn't really shut off — it's running through what he needs, what happens if the surgery can't go ahead, what the consequences of that would even look like. On top of that, I'm worrying about my business, whether I'm keeping up with it enough that people don't forget I'm here, and trying to make sure my family doesn't feel like I've disappeared on them too. I'm cooking less right now. And my body's picked this exact moment to remind me it's still keeping score — my shoulder feels like it wants to freeze up again, and my thoracic outlet issue is flaring along with it.

The one thing that's actually been helping is walking. I've been going most mornings to a park nearby, and it settles my body in a way not much else does right now. Being in nature has always been healing for me. I do have to be careful with my foot — I've got plantar fasciitis on the right side, though changing my shoes and how I stretch has made a real difference. I've gone from barely managing a short walk to 10,000 steps most mornings. I have to be careful not to push it too far.

Being a small business owner already makes it hard to protect time for yourself while still feeling productive. Some days that's easier than others. Today, for instance — I finished a blog post, completed an order, and posted on social media. By most measures, a productive day. I've still got laundry to finish and errands I haven't gotten to, and by this point I'm tired enough that cooking supper feels like too much. I'll probably still make myself do it, because I'll feel guilty if I don't. That guilt shows up whether I've earned it or not.

I think what I'm actually trying to say is that life is busy, and sometimes it's busy because you built it that way, and sometimes it's busy because something landed on you and you didn't get a vote. Either way, you're just trying to catch what you can, bat away what you can't, and every so often you knock one clean out of the park. I don't even watch baseball. But it fits.
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— Anita, YYC Crafts 🌱

I'd been putting off a few errands for days — the kind where you have to drive clear across the city, which for me is about half an hour with decent traffic. It's not that I didn't have time. I didn't have the patience for it yet. There's a knowing that shows up in me when it's actually the right day to do that stuff, and until it shows up, I don't force it.

The other day, it showed up. Before I even left the house, I thought to myself, today I'm getting shit done.

First stop was returning our old modem. There was another woman in line ahead of me, and I overheard her say to the person she was with, with satisfaction in her voice — a little bit of triumph even — "we're getting shit done." Same exact words I'd said to myself an hour earlier.

I smiled to myself. Not because it was funny, exactly. More like — yes. Same. Good for you, lady. We're doing it.

It's a small thing, but it stuck with me. All of us out there, running our own errands, carrying our own version of busy, some days catching what life throws and some days just batting it away — and every once in a while you catch a glimpse of someone else in the middle of their own quiet version of getting through it. Turns out you're not as alone in it as it feels most days.

— Anita, YYC Crafts 🌱

Since I was a kid, asking for help has made me feel like I was less. Like needing it meant I wasn't good enough — that if I really had it together, I'd be able to handle it on my own. So I stopped asking. I got good at struggling through things quietly instead, putting on a mask that said I was strong and capable, even when I wasn't. Some of that makes more sense to me now, having only realized at 49 that I'm AuDHD. Some of it was just how I was raised.

But today I'm asking anyway. I need help.

My cat Fuzz needs surgery to remove a bladder stone. It isn't optional, and it isn't something we can wait on. The date got moved up, and there's been more waiting than I expected — a urine test to make sure his body can handle the procedure, a stressful trip to the vet and back that he did not enjoy, and more waiting for results before we know exactly how things move forward. He's been through a lot the past little while, and so have I, just trying to stay steady and calm for him while my own stomach is in knots.

Here's what I'm doing about it: 100% of proceeds from my Friend card line are going straight toward Fuzz's medical bill. If a card isn't what you need right now, there's also a direct donation link —> FUNDS FOR FUZZ

Writing this post already feels like more than I'd normally let myself say. But I'd rather say it than keep pretending I don't need anything, the way I always have. Fuzz has been by my side through a lot. This is just me trying to be there for him the same way.
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— Anita, YYC Crafts 🌱