Waiting Mode

I used to believe life is only as busy as you let it be. For a long time I said no to almost everything, kept things small and quiet, put my family first, and got the household running the way it needed to run. It kept me from feeling buried. It also meant my business barely moved. Eventually, the slow progress frustrated me enough that I started saying yes to things instead. Not all at once, not instantly, but one thing led to another, and eventually I was consistently busy in a way I hadn't been before. Even then, I always protected a bit of wind-down time at the end of the day — a show to watch, something just for me.

Right now, none of that theory is holding up, because I'm in waiting mode. Fuzz needs surgery, and until we hear back from the vet about whether he's cleared for it, my life has rearranged itself around him without asking my permission first. You need a cuddle? Yes. Food? Yes. A treat? Yes. You want me to sing to you? Yes, obviously. If he meows, I'm there.
It's also exhausting in a way that's hard to explain to someone who hasn't been in it. My brain doesn't really shut off — it's running through what he needs, what happens if the surgery can't go ahead, what the consequences of that would even look like. On top of that, I'm worrying about my business, whether I'm keeping up with it enough that people don't forget I'm here, and trying to make sure my family doesn't feel like I've disappeared on them too. I'm cooking less right now. And my body's picked this exact moment to remind me it's still keeping score — my shoulder feels like it wants to freeze up again, and my thoracic outlet issue is flaring along with it.

The one thing that's actually been helping is walking. I've been going most mornings to a park nearby, and it settles my body in a way not much else does right now. Being in nature has always been healing for me. I do have to be careful with my foot — I've got plantar fasciitis on the right side, though changing my shoes and how I stretch has made a real difference. I've gone from barely managing a short walk to 10,000 steps most mornings. I have to be careful not to push it too far.

Being a small business owner already makes it hard to protect time for yourself while still feeling productive. Some days that's easier than others. Today, for instance — I finished a blog post, completed an order, and posted on social media. By most measures, a productive day. I've still got laundry to finish and errands I haven't gotten to, and by this point I'm tired enough that cooking supper feels like too much. I'll probably still make myself do it, because I'll feel guilty if I don't. That guilt shows up whether I've earned it or not.

I think what I'm actually trying to say is that life is busy, and sometimes it's busy because you built it that way, and sometimes it's busy because something landed on you and you didn't get a vote. Either way, you're just trying to catch what you can, bat away what you can't, and every so often you knock one clean out of the park. I don't even watch baseball. But it fits.
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— Anita, YYC Crafts 🌱